The cause of all our ills?

Scientists have recently identified a protein prevalent in the body of liberals called MORONIUM. Moronium is generally expelled from the body in the pre-teen years via scrapes, bruises, vigorous outdoor activity and occasional whacks in the head with large inflatable spheres called DODGE BALLS.

Moronium has also been observed to be absorbed by lead paint, monkey bars, leather (when vigorously applied across the buttocks) and the wood that many school principals' paddles were made of (applied in the same method as leather).

Conversely, moronium has been proven to multiply rapidly in the presence of plastic bicycle helmets (see figure 1 below), emissions from video game consoles, portable music players (via cables plugged into the ears), and lawyers. There is also a variable-frequency carrier-wave signal within several television programs (Jersey Shore, Jackass, SpongeBob are some examples) that also increases the potency of moronium.

Figure 1.